Life is hard right now.

So, a few weeks ago, my mom went in for her routine mammogram.  It turned out, she had a lump that was NOT there a year ago, and they immediately made plans to remove it.  Finding out my mom had cancer was one of the hardest things I've heard.  My parents sat Jayme and me down, and my dad didn't even get the sentence out before Jaym and I were sobbing uncontrollably.  Then, a lot of the details were unknown, so we thought it was the worst of the worst. It's stage 2, but just barely. So it's definitely treatable. No one wants to hear that their mother has cancer. It's just awful. She had her surgery on Monday. She had a benign lump in her right breast, along with the malignant one in her left.  Just to be sure there wouldn't be a chance of recurring, she decided on a double mastectomy. It was really hard seeing my mom after her surgery. She looked horrible. Just so sick and out of it. I never want to see her like that again! It's hard because she's the caretaker of the family.  I've spent so much time in the hospital that I just felt like our roles should have been switched. She's the one who's supposed to take care of me!

Since I am in nursing, I offered to take care of her drains and dressing changes. It's really been a humbling experience. I help her shower, which I imagine could be really embarrassing for her. Luckily, she has only expressed gratitude, and I would never feel embarrassed or anything. It's not awkward at all. It's more like...I'm comfortable because that's what I want to do with my life. Nursing. I am practicing!

Anywho. They found that the cancer spread to at least one lymph node, so they took a bunch out. Hopefully they got it ALL out, but they are going to do chemo and then radiation just to be sure. I've really been struggling with trying to decide if I should still go to Barcelona. However, as of right now, I am still going. I will be here for the start of her chemo, I was here for her surgery, and I will be here for her radiation after I get back. I just feel like if I put this trip off and stayed home, I wouldn't be much of a help anyway. You know? Also. If anything bad happened before I left, I obviously wouldn't go. Or if something were to happen while I was abroad, I'd  come home immediately. I just feel this is the best decision for me.

It's really weird because a lot of people that I expected to be there for me through this, have not been. And then the people I didn't realize even knew about it, have asked me and shown they care. I really appreciate when people ask how she is. I also appreciate everyone who's been there for me! Thank you. I really have faith that God will lead us through this. It's just a stumble in the path, but I do not think it is remotely close to the end. I love my mom! Please keep praying for her!!

I ran out of work study money, so the Cap Center let me go. They only hire Work Study students, sooo...I'm out a job. That is hard because I was banking on that money (no pun intended) to get me through Christmas shopping! I mean, I don't have a whole lot to buy, I guess. Considering I don't have a boyfriend to buy for! (Thank God!!). Still. It's a bummer. So, if you need a babysitter anytime before January 11, please let me know! :)

I really really like my classes this semester, and I am going to be so stressed to go back to nursing. A lot of people think I'd be crazy to go back to nursing, but the fact is that I do miss it. It's nice being in normal classes with non-nursing people (and boys?!), but in the long run, all I want is to be a nurse. I found an autobiography I wrote in 5th grade, and in it I said I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. How weird is that? 10 years ago, I still wanted to be a nurse! Must be the right decision.

I really have a bad case of insomnia. This whole week, I've been intending to go to bed early, but end up going late, tossing and turning, and then having to wake up early. Usually, I enjoy a good sleep-in, but all week, I've been getting up around 8. Gross. I really am NOT a morning person. I think tonight, I am not falling asleep for a different, giddy reason. I am happy! For the first time in awhile.

My best friend is coming down this weekend and I am really excited! It's going to be SO fun! And we are going to eat a LOT of food, so I better starve myself til then! Haha. I wish. 

On that note, I'm going to try to sleep! Maybe I'll have to watch an episode of Doogie Howser before I do so. Night.