Friday, October 2, 2009

Oh stress.

So much has been happening in my life, it is ridiculous.

For starters, I have always wanted a puppy for as long as I can remember. So, my parents finally caved and gave me Lucy on my 22nd birthday this year! It was a huge deal, and I am pretty much in love with every move she makes. She is a cute little black shih-tzu, with the most adorable, fun, and playful personality. I really couldn't ask for a better pup! The ONLY downside is that we have had trouble potty training her. I didn't want to be one of those people who lets their dogs pee on pads all around the house. Who wants to look at those nasty used pee/poop pads, and moreso, who wants to smell them? Not me. So we've been trying to take her out as much as possible, however, she is not always compliant. Recently, we caught her sneaking off to another side of the house, pooping, then proceeding to eat the poop. Personally, the thought of this makes me vom a little in my mouth, so we were instantly proactive in fixing the ish (Issue, abbreviated. Iss just didn't make as much sense), and here we are, a few days later, and she has yet to poop in the house OR eat it. Woo hoo! Just a little word of caution: She's the cutest dog in the world, but if you let her lick your face (which I still do. Gross, I know.) just know where that mouth has been, and what else has been in that mouth.

Moving right along. I started school at the end of August, and holy crap. I don't remember the last time I was so busy. My schedule is insanely packed every single day, and for some reason, I even manage to pack my off-days just as much. The first few weeks were utter mayhem. I am taking General Medsurg (Adult), Pathophysiology, and Intermediate Spanish I. I really wanted to continue learning Spanish, and I thought it would be easier to make time for it, but I totally underestimated how much outside-class work there would be. We literally have homework every day, and I don't have the time or energy to do it! So I'm sorry to say that I either have to settle for a lower grade (Probably a low B, if I'm lucky), or I might just have to discontinue next semester. Which is a total bummer for me. I really love Spanish, mostly the culture, but the language reminds me of Spain (Obv), so I love the language. Ya know? It makes sense to me, anyway. So that said, I am so busy because Medsurg is seriously taking over my life. We have homework due for every class, and we have three exams in 8 weeks. It's a huge stressor for me because I have always been a slower learner when it comes to sciences and concepts. I mean, things REALLY don't make sense to me unless I hear it in Layman's terms. Even then, I have to hear it like 5 times in order to really understand it. I get so frustrated because I feel like I have to study a zillion times more than everyone else, just to get the lowest possible passing grade. I don't even know if I got the passing grade on the first exam, which only raises the pressure for the next two exams.

Another thing that has been a huge weight is my medical issues. I've been having tests done to see what the heck is up with my stomach issues, which involve everything from gastric reflux to severe stomach pains to digestion issues (I'll spare you the details). And although I've had three surgeries that have most likely caused some of them, the scar tissue isn't as bad as I expected, and they still have no answers as to why I am having all these issues. I recently had both and Colonoscopy and Endoscopy done, and the results came up with nothing. On one hand, I was totally relieved that I don't have any weird tumors or ulcers, but on the other hand, what IS wrong? I think it's frustrating for my doctor, too, because now I have all these symptoms and no where to point them. I was in the ER last week for stomach pains so severe that I was doubled over and having a really hard time breathing. I was honestly terrified that I was dying, and demanded that the nurse hurry up and give me morphine just so I could get in a comfortable position. I am just praying that we will figure out what's wrong so I can take care of the ish, hopefully with just medications. It's just frustrating.

Another huge burden is my financial issues. I will never regret spending money in Spain, no matter how deep I dig into debt, but I am having a hard time trying to figure out all these financial things that is involved with an average college student. I work a part time job at a kids clothing store, I babysit occasionally, and I give my parents pretty much ALL of my money (They paid off my credit card so that I can pay them. Thank God.). I am trying super hard to pay them back, but at the same time, I'd like a little bit of spending money too. And then I get all frustrated because I want things, not just need things. I want new clothes and books and to go out to eat. I want want want, but I am slowly (but surely, I hope) learning how to just say no. Really, it's something I've never had to do (Only because I've never known how to save. Ever.), but I really need to figure things out so that I can just get out of my debt-hole and start anew. Luckily my parents are totally understandable, and they realize that school takes priority (they don't want to add more stress), so they help out with gas and stuff. It's just one of those things that I wish I had more of. But don't we all?

Bottom line: I am going through a lot right now, but I know that if I just rely on God and do the best I can, I'll get through this. I'll even come out stronger in the end, or so I hope. I truly believe that if God didn't plan for me to be a nurse, I wouldn't have gotten this far. Do you know how much I've gone through to get here? Seriously. I wouldn't have had the extra push to start back again if it hadn't been for God. So, that's basically what I am standing by right now. I just keep thinking, "Ok Kelly, you know it's hard, but you know you're doing the best you can." And then I have to actually do the best I can, or it won't work. I really just have to push myself. My counselor told me some stuff today that really made sense. She told me it seems like I get things done a lot faster, more efficient, etc etc when I have it all planned out. This can go for all things in my life. I mean, I do get more accomplished when I sit and schedule it all out. I just really am going to try to implement it in EVERY area of my life (School, work, sleep, relationships, diets, responsibilities...) and see what happens.

Alright well. That was my complaining for the day. I know it totally seemed like a hugely negative post, but really, I'm not feeling so negative right now. Actually, I am kind of feeling like I am strong, being able to have all of this weighing on me, but still making it out alive. But I guess I haven't yet succeeded in the latter, so we'll see what happens.

Basically, I am really trying to put my trust, faith, and strength in God, knowing that He DOES have a plan for me and He DOES want me to be all that I can be. So I just gotta do it.

Here I go.