Lately, one of my key phrases has been "I've been thinking in my head that _____." Now, I am not sure how this phrase came about, seeing as how I've NEVER heard anyone say it before. However, I caught myself the last time I said it (about 3 minutes ago) and thought, "Duh, Kelly. Where else would my thoughts be?" So, I am going to try to not say that so much because all in all, it truly does not make sense. You do not hear people say, "I've been thinking with one eye closed and my head rested on my hands, which are rested on the table in front of me," so how is this any different? I now announce the pre-retirement (pretirement?) of "I've been thinking in my head." May you rest in peace.
On another note, I wrote this ginormous (yes, ginormous is a word. Ahem.) journal entry yesterday, during Spanish (not IN Spanish) about this next topic: Me. Now, before you stop reading because you may not be interested in this topic, please know that this is a very important issue, and something that I definitely need to take control of.
I've mentioned before that I have severe body issues. Namely, I hate my body. All of it. When people say "What is one thing you love about your body?" I sit there and think, for at least 10 minutes. Usually my answer is, "My teeth. I like my teeth." And then I think, "Well, I like my teeth because they are straight, but really they are kind of yellow because I haven't used my whitening toothpaste in too long, and now I want to go buy my Arm & Hammer whitening toothpaste. Crap! My teeth really aren't that great!" Or, "My legs. No, scratch that. I like my legs from my ankles to just above my knees. So can I say half my legs? I like half of my legs. But not the top half or the lower half. My thighs are disgusting, and my feet are soo gross, so. I like some parts of the mid-area of my legs." See what I mean? I am well aware that everyone struggles with some sort of body issues. But I am so exhausted from carrying around this burden. My whole life, I have been so self-conscious and have always felt like I am fatter and uglier than all the girls in the world. Then I do mean things, like I feel prettier because I am with a girl who is obviously uglier. Or I feel skinny because I eat less than someone I am eating dinner with. But this is the problem: I should feel pretty because I am pretty. I should feel skinny because I am skinny. I should love myself because I am beautiful. And don't go thinking that I am all conceited, because I am not even thinking about this in an "I'm better than you" kind of way. I simply am saying that what I see is not the way the world sees me. I need to start making myself feel better because no one else should be the judge on how I feel about myself.
Let me set the stage to how this enlightenment came about: Today, I am walking down the street on my way to Spanish class, and I am feeling pretty gross: pmsing, running on no sleep, my hair looks like crap, I have no makeup on, etc. You get the idea. (By the way, guys, with pmsing comes feeling bloated, tired, fat, gross, zits...the ladies know what I am talking about). I felt so self-conscious on my walk because I was wearing sweatpants that dug in, so my love handles were out and about. If this isn't bad enough, I have a zip-up hoody over my tank top, but it's HOT. So I have to release the handles of love and take off my hoody. As I am walking, I can feel my stomach jiggling about, and this bothers me. I look around to see if anyone else notices. I assume that everyone is staring and talking about the fat girl in the white tank top with the jumbling stomach. But, here's the problem! No one else cares. No one else is looking at me, because guaranteed they are thinking the same thing about something that is wrong with them. So, when I got to my Spanish class, I was determined to feel better, any way I possibly could. I wrote about 4 pages about how I am so tired of carrying around this burden...I am exhausted from always worrying about what others think when they see me, thinking about my next weight-loss strategy that is most likely to fail, feeling guilty about eating whatever I want, but not doing anything to stop it. I am just...tired. And you know what? Brace yourselves: The ONLY person that can make ME feel better about ME...is me. ME. I am the one that controls myself. I am the one that controls the food I put in my mouth, the clothes I wear that day, and how much sleep I get each night. Digging a little deeper (for the record, I just typed "dipper." Oops): I am the one that should feel good, regardless of how many pounds I've lost or gained. I shouldn't love myself only when I'm skinny, but then hate myself the rest of my life. And let me tell you, people, I have lived my life hating my body. I am just tired. That's all.
So, what am I going to do about it? Well, for starters, I am in Spain for 8 more days. So obviously I am going to live it up. I am not going to care what I eat (or how much), what I look like (but I'm going to look good!), or how much exercise I am (or am not) getting. But when I get home, I am going to change my lifestyle. I'm not going to go on a diet, but I am going to change HOW I eat, which will, in return, change what I eat. I am going to be healthy. I am going to make a conscious effort to raise my self-esteem by complimenting myself. I will be "that girl" who looks in the mirror and says, "Man, your ass looks good!" Because you know what? I deserve it just as much as anyone else. I know that eating is not the way out. But I think it's a good start. I also think I am going to make my best effort to go on a regular sleep schedule. Do you know how good you feel when you go to bed at a regular time? I feel like an entirely new person! And I'm not going to feel guilty when I do slip up, because that's something that is bound to happen, but I'm not going to let one mistake control my entire mood/feelings. That's basically everything that has been flooding my brain these past few days. For once in my life, I want to be confident in EVERYTHING. Not just my personality.
On that note, I think an important thing to remember is that no one else will truly love me until I can love myself. I know it's cheesy, and we've all grown up hearing it, but it's true. The longer I wait for that special guy to come around, the more I realize what changes I need to make in myself.
And that's all folks. Now, I am really cracking down because I am currently 23 days late on my 2 page chapter summary, on a book that actually has a summary at the end of the chapter. Ahem. Call me a slacker, I can handle it.
Hasta luego!
2 comments:
I just so happen to think you're beautiful! :)
You're gorgeous.
And I've told a few girls in the last weeks the exact thing you said: you are the only person who can convince you you are beautiful.
I'm glad you've reached this level, Kelly. I love to see that my friends are still learning and growing.
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