2008 Remembered.

Here it is: My recount of the year. The typical theme that most blog about. I can't help but follow the trend.

This has been an incredibly rough year. For starters, not long before the New Year, I was left heartbroken by a guy I truly thought I would be with forever. I had never experienced a hurt like that before, and I cannot imagine having to go through that again in my lifetime. It was the kind of pain that you can do nothing to stop. You cannot just pop an aspirin (or 3 in my case) and hope the pain subsides. Instead, you just have to let it take its course...It's 100% true when people say, "It just takes time." Because really, that's all you can do. I spent the first half of the year on anti-depressants, sleeping as much as possible, and not eating nearly as much as I should have. I struggled through school, and I was lucky to have passed my first semester of a real nursing class. Although I was hurting more than anyone can imagine, I still had fun. In the Spring, I visited my brother in Pittsburgh six weeks in a row. I know it sounds like a lot, but honestly, it was the most fun I had all year. Some of my best memories are from those trips I made to hang out with Kevin and his friends. My brother, along with my entire family, really helped me cope with my heartbreak.  Looking back, I realize that I do deserve better. I could never have spent my life with him, and I know that now. I also know his ignoring me and treating me the way he did helped me to realize that I deserve much better.

Next came Summer Clinical. I have completely struggled through my Nursing classes.  Although Nursing is truly what I want to do with my life, it does not come easily to me. My first two years of college, I had countless tutors and other help with my sciences. I even failed Biology and had to retake it. The point is, I was so happy to have gotten through to Summer Clinical because so many hadn't.  It was really hard and I definitely had to study my ass off. I would say I have to study three times as much as most others just to even somewhat understand the information. The most difficult part was that my clinical instructor was especially hard on me. She claimed she was just trying to teach me a lesson, but honestly, I know she had something against me. From the start, we butted heads. I'm not sure why, because all I ever did was try my hardest. Anywho, she ended up accusing me of lying about a patient, and she failed me. This was so hard for me because I had worked so hard. I had passed the class, which was what I was concerned about passing in the first place, but then I failed anyway. I was so upset about it, especially since all of my good friends had really good experiences with their instructors.

Luckily, after only a little while, I figured out how to make the best of failing clinical. Failing meant having to wait an entire year before I had the opportunity to retake it. Since I go to a small school, they only offer each class every once in awhile. So, here I am, a year behind and having no idea what to do. The idea came to me not long after the end of clinical: Pick up a minor. So, I chose Journalism, since I've always had a knack for writing. Then, about a week before the start of Fall semester, I decided to study abroad in the Spring. I wasn't going to waste an entire year taking dumb classes and wasting my money. Fall semester was SO much fun, since I was so used to ALWAYS being busy and never having free time, energy, etc.. I met tons of new people that I wouldn't have met otherwise, I had a job, and I was able to spend more time with my friends. I also got to relax and not have to worry about HAVING to get that 76% on the exams. Since I chose to study abroad in Spain, I also took a Spanish class. I loved the semester and ended up doing really well in all my classes. And I didn't even have to work half as hard as I did in Nursing. I just think I really needed a semester that was laid back. And that's what I got...

...With the exception of my mom. She was diagnosed just two days after returning from Florida with my dad. Breast cancer runs in our family, but it was still a shock to hear that my mom had it. My mom is so strong and although she has to be scared, she has never really expressed it. She had to have a double mastectomy, and is now undergoing chemotherapy. Basically, she has just been thinking, "I am just doing what I have to do." and not really questioning anything. It's so sad to see her go through this, but she is being so strong. It only makes me adore her even more. It has also brought us closer, for which I am thankful. She's amazing, and I love her to pieces.

On Monday, two days before Christmas, my parents got a call from their realtor.  My mom has been working for months on cleaning up my grandparents house, and it has been on the market for awhile now. Since her brother and sister are out of state, my mom is the one who has done virtually everything in preparation to sell it. The realtor called and said that it had been broken into. Not only was there glass shattered from their break-in, but everything inside is destroyed. Although nothing was stolen, the furniture was completely sliced up, mirrors shattered, spray paint on all the walls, etc. Everything was thrown around and it looked like the scene from a movie. Apparently it was some gang called the North Side Boys, and we only know this because they spray painted their name all over the basement walls. As disgusting as this is, the worst news is that my mom had thought it would be covered by insurance. However, the insurance company failed to tell her that the insurance was not valid since no one was living in the house. I'm not sure how all of this works, but the point is that my parents are going to have to figure out a way to pay for all this destruction. It breaks my heart that a group of people could do something like that. It just makes me sick to think that people were in my grandparents house, destroying it, and not having any idea about the history, the memories, and the work that has been put into it. I grew up in that house, visiting my grandparents, and watching them die...It just...breaks my heart.

So. That's where I'm at right now. In two weeks, I will pack up and head off to Spain for almost four months. It still hasn't quite hit me that I am leaving. I think it will get scarier and more real the closer it gets. The few things I am scared about right now is 1. Leaving my mom, but knowing that she is okay with my going. There is also nothing I could be doing if I stayed. 2. Going completely on my own, not knowing anyone in the program. It seems like everyone going knows at least one other person. Not me! 3. Being homesick. I'm a homebody, what can I say? All of these fears are probably not surprising to anyone, and I know they will subside as soon as I get there and realize it really won't be so bad. I am really looking forward to completely starting over...making new friends, being in a new place, and being me. 

As bad as this year has been (did I mention that my dog of 14 years died too?!), I am just glad that I have found little things to be happy about. It hasn't ALL been completely awful.  Memories and new opportunities have gotten me through the year. I don't mean to be a "Negative Nancy," if you will, because I definitely can see the good that has come from my experiences. I can't wait to see what the new year has to offer. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Something old, something new.

No, this post has nothing to do with a wedding, regardless of the title.  I was actually just watching Top Chef and the challenge was for each of the four groups to do an old, new, borrowed, and blue dish. I am obsessed with cooking shows, and Top Chef is definitely one of my favorites.

This past week I have been eating a lot healthier. I am eating 6 times a day, but small handful-sized meals. I feel so healthy and like I have a ton more energy! Although it might feel like I am eating a ton, I have been tracking my intake on The Daily Plate, and I am actually doing quite well.  I have 4 weeks until I leave for Spain, and I really want to be confident by then. So, I am renovating myself. Haha. 

Speaking of which, SPAIN! It's coming up SO fast. I joined a Facebook group for people going with my program, and it seems that everyone has others they know who are going. Not me. I am going all by myself...the only connection I have to anyone is that one girl was roommates with a friend of mine Freshman year. I've never met her, but it is still nice having some sort of connection.  As much as I feel kind of left out for not knowing anyone going into it, I think it will be a benefit. I won't have any obligations to hanging out with certain people or whatnot. You know? I will be able to start completely over. I am really looking forward to that, even though the first few days will definitely be scary.

The semester is over and I can't believe how fast it went. Honestly, I feel like it FLEW. I ended up having really good grades for me, considering I was not in a single nursing class! I had 2 As and 3 Bs! That's good for me. I think this is the first semester of college that I haven't had a C. How exciting is that? I can honestly say I didn't work my butt off. I mean, had I really tried, I could have gotten more As, but I just...didn't. It was the first semester that I didn't have to try my butt off. So I just didn't.

Things are changing. I am changing. But I think it's all for the better. My mom is doing well. She starts chemo on Monday, so we are cleaning the entire house to prepare. We need to keep everything spick-and-span so that she doesn't get sick! Please continue praying for her. She's the strongest woman I know!

Christmas Survey

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Wrapping paper. It's more fun to open! But gift bags are fun because you put all kinds of goodies in the bottom. And then you keep getting more and more presents!

2. Real tree or Artificial? I like real trees. Right now, I would take ANY tree. That's right. We're tree-less.

3. When do you put up the tree? Um. Apparently never. Hah but really, usually it's the week after Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down? After New Year's.

5. Do you like eggnog? Like, a shot of it.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? Umm...I don't know. Probably my portable cd player. Remember those?

7. Hardest person to buy for? Jayme N. Doyle. Seriously. She's impossible to shop for.

8. Easiest person to buy for? Um. I'd say my brother or mom.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? We have my grandparent's somewhere around here.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards?I like getting them in the mail and laughing at the letters that people write.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Umm...I don't know. I can't think of an AWFUL one.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? I agree with Michelle- When Harry Met Sally. It's my all-time fave.

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? I'll regift something if it's real bad or just something I think someone else would appreciate it more.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Around Christmas? PUMPKIN ROLLS. Those are year-long luxuries, though. On Christmas? Strata!!!!

16. Lights on the tree? Yes. When we have one. Haha. 

17. Favorite Christmas song? O Holy Night has always been and will always be my FAVORITE. And there is this one song on Clay Aiken's Christmas CD (Yes, laugh. I know.) that makes me cry every time. It's about an old lady with no family and people make her happy by caroling on her doorstep. 

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I like to stay home. This year, we're going to NYC.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer's? dasher and dancer and donner and blitzen...? comet and cupid and donner and blitzen. wait. PRANCER. and vixen!? vixen is a reindeer. spitzen? vincent. and rudolph. seriously why do i not know. vixen? that is a 'malicious woman with a fierce temper'. i'd stay away from this vixen R-deer.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? I like stars. Because they are cuter and more modern. Whatev.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? WHY would you open on Christmas Eve? Then what do you do on Christmas day? Because our Christmas revolves around presents. We celebrate Jesus on Christmas Eve. Hah.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Um. The traffic, thanks to living next door to Easton.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? We have gold, I think.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? I just like breakfast. We usually have a big breakfast and that's that. Last year for dinner, I'm pretty sure I ate a Lean Cuisine.

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? A new camera. It's a must-have for Spain!

26. Who is most likely to respond to this? Well, seeing as nobody reads this...Jen? Kailey?

27. Does Santa wrap your gift or leave them unwrapped? Well. WRAPPED. Unless in our stockings. Or if it's too big to not wrap. Or if you are Kevin, and you are lazy and give them in plastic Target bags.

Not happy.

Sorry for all the depressing posts, but here is another one.

Lately I've been really letting myself go. I haven't been taking care of myself, and I think a lot of it has to do with what I've been dealing with: School, Mom being sick, winter...I mean. It doesn't sound like a lot when I just list the things, but in my head, I feel like it's a million things. I am just really trying to grab onto things and take control NOW, before it really gets out of hand.  The main thing I am going to do is pretty much the only thing I can control: How I feel about myself. Often times, I just hate myself. I don't feel good, I don't look good, and I don't like me. So, starting tomorrow, I am going to make a lifestyle change. The "Body for Life" is what I'll be doing. My counselor and friend have both agreed to do it with me, in order to hold my accountable. To be honest, I don't care if I lose weight or if I look good, but I just want to feel good about myself again. I want to like me again.  I am also going to work today and tomorrow on all my papers and studying so that I can just relax as soon as my exams are done on Monday.  I have 5 weeks before I leave for Spain, which is not really a long time.  A lot of why I am so excited for Spain is because I want to start over. From scratch.  But I don't want to start over feeling insecure and self-conscious. This will be good. I swear. :)

Oddly sad.

I woke up this morning (by morning I mean 12:45pm), and I am oddly sad. I think it's because I really miss Camp Quality and New Orleans. I was up late looking through all my pictures and Googling stuff on New Orleans. I am really happy because the founder of the program we volunteered for in NO, The St. Bernard Project, won this year's CNN Hero of the Year. It made me all emotional and happy. I am so proud to have been involved in that! Going to New Orleans, with Campus Crusades, was a last minute decision. I had received a few hundred dollars from Capital, and it all just fell into place. I am so grateful I went. I met some of the greatest people, and it was definitely an unforgettable experience.

I am always missing Camp Quality. I mean, it's only a week long, but I absolutely adore everything about it. I cannot wait until the reunion. Then I cannot wait until next summer! I would be absolutely heartbroken if there was a time I could not go to camp. I think everyone should experience it at least once in their lives.

Life is hard right now.

So, a few weeks ago, my mom went in for her routine mammogram.  It turned out, she had a lump that was NOT there a year ago, and they immediately made plans to remove it.  Finding out my mom had cancer was one of the hardest things I've heard.  My parents sat Jayme and me down, and my dad didn't even get the sentence out before Jaym and I were sobbing uncontrollably.  Then, a lot of the details were unknown, so we thought it was the worst of the worst. It's stage 2, but just barely. So it's definitely treatable. No one wants to hear that their mother has cancer. It's just awful. She had her surgery on Monday. She had a benign lump in her right breast, along with the malignant one in her left.  Just to be sure there wouldn't be a chance of recurring, she decided on a double mastectomy. It was really hard seeing my mom after her surgery. She looked horrible. Just so sick and out of it. I never want to see her like that again! It's hard because she's the caretaker of the family.  I've spent so much time in the hospital that I just felt like our roles should have been switched. She's the one who's supposed to take care of me!

Since I am in nursing, I offered to take care of her drains and dressing changes. It's really been a humbling experience. I help her shower, which I imagine could be really embarrassing for her. Luckily, she has only expressed gratitude, and I would never feel embarrassed or anything. It's not awkward at all. It's more like...I'm comfortable because that's what I want to do with my life. Nursing. I am practicing!

Anywho. They found that the cancer spread to at least one lymph node, so they took a bunch out. Hopefully they got it ALL out, but they are going to do chemo and then radiation just to be sure. I've really been struggling with trying to decide if I should still go to Barcelona. However, as of right now, I am still going. I will be here for the start of her chemo, I was here for her surgery, and I will be here for her radiation after I get back. I just feel like if I put this trip off and stayed home, I wouldn't be much of a help anyway. You know? Also. If anything bad happened before I left, I obviously wouldn't go. Or if something were to happen while I was abroad, I'd  come home immediately. I just feel this is the best decision for me.

It's really weird because a lot of people that I expected to be there for me through this, have not been. And then the people I didn't realize even knew about it, have asked me and shown they care. I really appreciate when people ask how she is. I also appreciate everyone who's been there for me! Thank you. I really have faith that God will lead us through this. It's just a stumble in the path, but I do not think it is remotely close to the end. I love my mom! Please keep praying for her!!

I ran out of work study money, so the Cap Center let me go. They only hire Work Study students, sooo...I'm out a job. That is hard because I was banking on that money (no pun intended) to get me through Christmas shopping! I mean, I don't have a whole lot to buy, I guess. Considering I don't have a boyfriend to buy for! (Thank God!!). Still. It's a bummer. So, if you need a babysitter anytime before January 11, please let me know! :)

I really really like my classes this semester, and I am going to be so stressed to go back to nursing. A lot of people think I'd be crazy to go back to nursing, but the fact is that I do miss it. It's nice being in normal classes with non-nursing people (and boys?!), but in the long run, all I want is to be a nurse. I found an autobiography I wrote in 5th grade, and in it I said I wanted to be a pediatric nurse. How weird is that? 10 years ago, I still wanted to be a nurse! Must be the right decision.

I really have a bad case of insomnia. This whole week, I've been intending to go to bed early, but end up going late, tossing and turning, and then having to wake up early. Usually, I enjoy a good sleep-in, but all week, I've been getting up around 8. Gross. I really am NOT a morning person. I think tonight, I am not falling asleep for a different, giddy reason. I am happy! For the first time in awhile.

My best friend is coming down this weekend and I am really excited! It's going to be SO fun! And we are going to eat a LOT of food, so I better starve myself til then! Haha. I wish. 

On that note, I'm going to try to sleep! Maybe I'll have to watch an episode of Doogie Howser before I do so. Night.

Tat

Oh yah, I forgot to tell you. I got a new tattoo!

It means "Love" and "Give" in Hebrew. I've been wanting it for a really long time, and I think it's an awesome reminder to give love, and that love is giving. Also, my friend Amanda pointed out that it's like...giving love...with my hands (Because of the location).  I just need a constant reminder to try to love the way Christ loves.

Work is a waste.

Picture this: Sitting at a desk with a computer that has no sound...for 12 straight hours. That is what my boss intended for me to do today. Oh sure, I'm supposed to have "supervisor duties" at this here Cap Center...But other than opening/closing, there are not many duties. Let's just say I have found many things to entertain myself while at work.

Let me tell you about my day.

I went to bed last night with every intention of getting up at 6:30am, showering, grabbing my breakfast, etc. with plenty of time to get here. Well, not so much. Although I set 2 alarms (Not even a radio alarm, but that annoying beep that makes you wanna stab your ears out), neither woke me up. Yes, that beeping was going on for over an hour, busting my eardrums out, but I did not hear an ounce of it. So, I wake up at 7:40. Oops? I jump out of bed, brush my teeth, and put on pj pants and a hoody. Then I grabbed some clothes to change into and shower stuff. Even though I knew I was going to be WAY late, I heated up some Chai and made coffee...You are never too late for hot drinks in the morning! Anywho, I got here at 8:10...which is still pretty good, considering it should be a 20 minute drive. *Note: SHOULD BE.*

So, I get here and am still half asleep. I sit at my post for awhile...an office with a huge window. I get to people watch/creep/stalk people as they walk by. I worked on Spanish. It's the only class I ever have/do homework in, so I feel like I am ALWAYS doing Spanish. Then around 10:30 I changed and walked on the treadmill. I was hoping to shower in the women's locker room, but the away soccer team had it reserved. Well, one of the perks of being a supervisor is a huge set of keys for every door in the building. So when the girls were playing soccer, I snuck into their locker room and showered. The bad part is that I forgot: a towel, face/body wash, and flip flops. I ended up using the nasty hand soap that is conveniently placed beside the showerhead, and to dry off, I sure did use the shirt I wore while working out. Maybe this defeated the purpose of even showering in the first place, but I had no other option. The actual shower started out miserable. It seriously took 5 minutes to heat up, and the Cap Center is FRIGID. So, I stood there curled in a vertical ball until it was roasting hot. That's the way I like it. :) So. Moving right along, I sure did NOT wear shoes in the shower. This would usually gross me out, and it did gross me out, however, the showers get cleaned on the weekends...so there were no hairballs in the drains. Trust me, I looked first. I'm hoping I don't get Ring Worm or something of that nature. EW.

So. My friends came to play basketball today. My friends = Kirst, Al, and a few others. It seems that they are really my only friends these days, which is fine by me. Anywho, I watched them play basketball after my shower. Poor Kirst got hit smack in the nose with a ball. Ouch. Then, I sat in my little cubby hole and it just happened to be my favorite time of day: When the football & soccer teams walk by. Oh do I love this. I just watch...smile...watch...smile...for a good 10 minutes. Trust me, this is the best perk about being a supervisor. Have I ever mentioned how much I love soccer boys? Because I do.

Around 2:45, I decided to leave. Don't worry, I left my keys and phone number with the front desk worker. First, I went to Sonic and got a cherry limeade. Mmm. Then I headed off to Ohio Thrift on Broad, hoping for yellow heels! Well guess what? They had them. They are not bright yellow, but they are still a perfect pair. I also "splurged" on 2 hoodies. By splurge, I mean I spent $7 for two. Isn't it funny how your idea of "cheap" changes so drastically depending on the store? For example, at American Eagle, $60 is expensive. At Forever 21, $25 is expensive. At Ohio Thrift? $3.99 is stretching it. It's 100% true! But I decided on both hoodies because I just could NOT decide.

I came back around 4pm, only after stopping at Family Dollar and buying myself a cute air freshener for my car (Ps. there go the soccer boys...drool.). Since then, I have eaten my third meal for the day, drank a liter of water, caught up on Perez, Facebook stalked, and now I am just waiting for it to be 8:00.

So that is my day so far. I know it's TOTALLY interesting, but it's actually not been as bad as I thought. Maybe that's because I took a little vacation. I am fighting not to fall asleep though, and my body wanting to sleep is winning. I keep closing my eyes for a little longer than the norm. Oh well. I'm the boss.

I am on this diet called the Idiot Proof Diet and it's actually not too bad. You eat 4 times a day, and it gives you over 30 options of food to choose from. Then it makes an 11 day meal for you. It's hard because even though it sounds like 4 times is a lot, you don't eat a ton of substance...so I am currently starving. That's okay though, because I have one more meal left for the day and it's going to be amazing.

Well, that's that. I have been too lazy to get up to pee for about an hour, and with a liter of water and a cup of chai in my system, I will be lucky if I even reach the bathroom...

Today...

I couldn't help but remember that today was October 2...and be reminded of it all day. Today would have been our two year anniversary. The funny thing is that I am not sad about that, I am extremely happy that I am out of that relationship and so excited about what is to come.  I am so excited to find out the man God has in store for me. I know he will be incredible, and today reminded me that although I thought our relationship was "perfect" (hahahh right), the forever kind of love is worth waiting for.

School shmool.

After being back for almost three weeks, I've decided that I cannot WAIT for school to be over. I was tired of it before it even started. This semester is especially hard for me, and I've certainly had more than one breakdown, because I am not in ANY nursing classes. This is the first semester of my college career (I'm on my 5th semester) that I have not been in a science or nursing course.  It's odd. I struggled through all my sciences the first two years, and I struggled through my nursing classes. Obviously, I didn't struggle enough. So here I am, taking three English courses, Humanities, and Spanish 1.  Since deciding on going to Spain in January, I decided to take up Spanish. It's been awhile since I've taken the class (Sophomore year of high school, to be exact), so I thought I should brush up on my skills before traveling to a country that speaks Spanish. Surprisingly enough, although it has been 4ish years since I've been in the class, I remember a lot! I even got a 97.5% on my first exam:) Needless to say, I am pretty proud of that. Such a grade is pretty much unheard of in Nursing, so I should probably hang the test up on my fridge.  Honestly, it's quite nice having a year off.  Already, I am working my ass off to get better grades. My goal is for straight A's this semester, and to try to raise that GPA of mine. We'll see how that goes.

In other news, I am so excited because I've been babysitting a lot.  I absolutely adore babysitting (Any of you who need a babysitter, let me know!), and I get a kick out of the 2 year old, Leah. The other day, we were watching Dora, and Dora and Boots had to go through a spiderweb.  Leah HATES spiderwebs and was soo grossed out by it.  Right after, I was changing her diaper for bedtime, and she goes "There's a spiderweb in my tushy!!!" Haha. I DIED. I seriously laughed soo hard, and couldn't wait to tell her mom! Things like this make me SO excited to be a mommy (don't worry, it'll be awhile!).  I've also been really tired and feeling drained very easily.  I've been getting more sleep, and trying to exercise regularly (which is really weird for me), but I still feel like a zombie. I feel as though I am just walking around and sitting in class and hardly paying any attention at all. I can hardly remember conversations I've JUST had, and I don't remember anything that happened yesterday. It's weird. My counselor says it's anxiety, which I can totally understand, but at the same time, I often feel crazy.

It's hard to believe it's been seven years since September 11 first happened. I distinctly remember sitting in Mr. Long's 8th grade History class. Mr. Pepper, the school jokester, ran in to tell us that a plane hit one of the Twin Towers. First of all, I had no idea what the Twin Towers were. Mr. Long told us we were all gullible if we believed it, and he laughed at Mr. Pepper. Wow, I bet Mr. Long feels like a douche now.  Anywho, we weren't allowed to watch any of the news coverage at school because of censoring (whatever), and I still had no idea what the World Trade Center was. My friend Kait's uncle was in the Pentagon when it was hit, so I accompanied her to the office to make sure her uncle was okay.  I just remember thinking it was sad but not really knowing how else to react. I didn't know anyone who was there, so it didn't affect me like it did others.  It's crazy to think that seven years have passed. I feel like it was just yesterday.  I think it's great that they still show documentaries, news coverage, etc. on the anniversary because it affected our country so much. I can't imagine forgetting such an event.

Dating.

Some days, I really love being single. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and with whomever I want. On some days, I enjoy just going about my life with no inconveniences from the other sex. I thoroughly enjoy being independent and free. The problems are the rest of the days. Those days when I want to be with someone else, and when I just want to be held and cuddled. Now, I can get held and cuddled, and I can be with someone else, but not permanently. I want permanence. It's tough because now that I'm back in the single/dating scene, I have no idea what to do. I don't know what I'm looking for, and I have no idea how to go about any of this. I've never been on a real date with someone other than a boyfriend, and I just have no clue what to do. The most frustrating part is that it's taken me almost 9 months to be willing to let my guard down. This past month, I made myself more vulnerable and more open to the dating scene. There is just one person that I decided was good enough for me (How conceited does that sound? haha), and he ended up really disappointing me. So. Here I am, back to where I started. I thought maybe something was going to happen, but it didn't. And now, I am back to just being single, semi-guarded, and clueless about what to do.

But on other days, I really do just love being single.

Home sweet home.

I feel like this is the first time I've been home in a week. Probably because right after PA, I went to Cedar Point, then to North Canton. I honestly can't wait to just relax and stick around the house for awhile.

I went to Cedar Point on Sunday with 5 other girls from CQ. At first I was a little nervous that the random group would be awkward, but it wasn't a bit. It was fun talking to them about camp, but also about everything under the sun. My favorite might have been when Jen and I bashed guys for a good hour (not including on and off all day), and Kailey just sat there, most likely thinking about how lucky she is that she didn't have to join in on the bashing. No fair. It depresses me to think about guys right now, and I'm always glad to have an excuse to bash! We got to ride all the good rides, excluding the Magnum and Dragster. The Magnum is my most favorite, but it was closed all day for some unknown reason. All in all, we had an awesome day and I am so glad we made it happen!

I drove straight to North Canton from Cedar Point. I spent the night with Kait Gunn, good ol' Neighbs. It's weird because we can go so long without talking or seeing one another, but when we get together, it's so natural. I guess that's what happens when you've known someone for more than half of your life. We got so excited talking about new tattoo ideas we had, and I can't wait to follow through with my decision. Wooo! On Monday, I hung out with Jess all day, and Kendra joined us later that evening. I got to have Jimmy Johns, which is our tradition! I LOVE JIMMY JOHNS. It's so divine. Tuesday I hung out with Wasko all day. Imagine that. We had Panda Garden, which is in fact, my favorite Chinese EVER. We had a great time, like always. We have a friendship based on food and laughing so freaking hard. I'm so lucky to have her as a best friend. Today, I hung out at Wasko's for most of the day, but before I left the big NC, I stopped by the Boesharts. Again, I can go so long without talking to/seeing these people, and it's like no time has gone by. It's truly great.

So, I came up with a brilliant idea to study abroad next semester. I need to find a school (preferably in Europe) that ends in time for Summer clinical. This makes the selection much more difficult, and I am hoping someone at Capital can help me. I am pretty much obsessing over it now, and I've been looking up schools ever since I got home, 4 hours ago. 

Let me just tell you, I was going to try hard to not talk about boys in this here blog, but here's the thing: Guys royally piss me off. I could go on and on about them, but what I want to say is this. Really. If you don't want to hang out, just tell me. It'll suck for a second, but I'll get over it. None of this maybe/possibly crap. I don't want to be the chaser. I want to be the girl that someone chases. Is that so freaking hard?!

I could go on and on. But I will save that for it's own entry. 

Too far, too long.

So, I know I've missed a good...5ish months of blogging, but a ton has been going on. I have finally gotten a few weeks to completely chill out, and it's been wonderful!

To start with, I was so incredibly thrilled to have passed my first nursing course, N221 last semester. It was so great to know I'd be moving on to the summer course where I'd be working at a real hospital! I took an 8 week course from May-July, and to be honest, it's all a little foggy. It was one of the most draining courses I've taken yet, and I have done my best to try to forget it. It turns out, I have to retake the course next summer due to some...issues...that occurred between my clinical instructor and me. I don't want to go into great detail, if you want to know the complete story, just ask. As much as it bums me out to be a year behind, I have been doing my best not to dwell on it, and I have decided to pick up a minor in Journalism. I am actually really excited about it because I can't wait to take some non-nursing classes! Also, I think it will be a nice escape from the overwhelmingness (Yes, that's a word...) of nursing.  Another nice aspect is that I get to take Patho/Pharm. still, which is supposedly one of the hardest courses. It will be nice to take that without having to worry about a clinical too.

So. That's the update on school. In other news, Camp Quality 2008 came and went. It was the best week of my life. I am not even exaggerating. As hard and gruesome as it is, it truly is the best week ever. No joke. I am obsessed with it, and it's really kind of sad how much I love it. Bri was my camper again this year, and she was tougher than ever. At first I was so excited because she seemed like she had matured and maybe that she actually liked me this year. Until Tuesday. She had been extremely jealous of little Rachael, and on this day, she finally just blew up at her. It was all so silly and 8 year old drama, but you don't even know how exhausting the drama of an 8 year old can be! She had about 4 fits on and off all week, including the final blow the last night. As tough as she was, I still adore her. We had the best time doing all the activities and getting to know the others in our cabin.  She had them straighten her hair for prom and she looked SO cute! She really is like a little sister to me.  My friend Abby works at Children's, and she said when Bri came in the other day for a check up, she mentioned that she wanted to have me as her companion again next year! Whew, I sure was relieved!

Camp really was more amazing this year than last, and I have high hopes that next year will be even better than this year. Our cabin girls were really close, and we were so lucky to have all gotten along and had a ton of fun. Some of the other companions became very close friends to me, and I wouldn't have gotten through the week without them. Also, keeping the Communication's fridge stocked with Diet Coke was definitely a huge key to my survival. I can't wait to see what next year holds!

I am doing my best to enjoy the little summer I have left. I had one week between Spring & Summer semesters, and I've been off for 4 weeks now. It's really been nice, but SO short. I'm not used to having my summer cut in half, and it's really not going to be fun having 2 summers cut short in a row. Oh well, at least I get in a extra summer in there. :) The week after camp, I celebrated the big 2-1. It's really pretty overrated, and I don't feel any different now than I did before. I really had a great birthday altogether, excluding waking up with the flu at 7am on my actual birthday.  Luckily, we had gone out to eat and to see The Dark Knight the night before, so my birthday wasn't totally ruined. Also, my sister planned to take me out the Saturday after. My friend Abby (the same one from camp) came down, and our friend Brock came along too. Altogether, there were about 10 people who came out for my birthday! We all dressed up and looked HOT (duh.) and drank pretty drinks all night. We can't forget the $30  Taco Bell run at 4am. I truly could not have asked for a better birthday!

On Wednesday, I went to see my brother in LaTrobe, PA, and Rich and Liv met us there. We had a great time together and I really didn't want to leave. Not to mention the 4 hour drive, when I got lost coming and going! It was 0 fun, let me tell you. I also decided that maybe I really am not the best driver ever. I mean, I've only gotten 1 ticket and in 1 accident (on record), but on the way there, I got a mean glare from someone that I passed. On the way home, I got the finger. Hmm. Maybe this is something I'll have to work on because I definitely don't feel like getting road raged on.

As for now, I am going to try to enjoy the last 2 weeks of summer. Sunday, I am going to Cedar Point with a few girls from camp, and I am so excited about that! I think it'll be awesome! Also, I am going to see John Mayer with my friend Krista on the 20, so what can be better than THAT?!

I have also been trying to work out and eat better. I am really scared about gaining my weight back (who knew I'd be a non-eater while depressed?!), so I am trying to go about it the healthy way. I've been doing weights with Krista, and just today I ran 1.5 miles and walked 1.5 miles on the treadmill! I just feel a lot more healthy, in general.

Well. That's all for now folks. I will try harder to keep updated, and I'm sure if I don't remember, Jen will badger me about updating :).

Pure Crazyness.

So. Life has been hectic. I can't exactly recap the last month or so verbatim, but I will give ya'll (Ok, I doubt anyone even reads this thing. But I'm okay with that) a brief synopsis.

OK. Spring Break was the last week of February and it was AMAZING. A zillion times better than any spring break EVER! My parents were on vacation the entire week before, and I was pretty proud of myself for surviving without them. Basically because I was so scared the first night I was alone, but then I just got used to it. I even sort of LIKED it. Hah. Who knew? Well, I went up to North Canton for the first time in about 8 months or so, and I got to see Hoover's musical with Kait Gunn and her sister. I was so glad I got to spend time with her and her family, because I adore them and miss them so much. They were such great neighbors and are very good friends. Kait is also my longest friend! We've been friends since 2nd grade. :) Anywho, the next night, a group of us from Campus Crusades left for New Orleans!!!!!

We left at night, so the trip down wasn't too bad. I was really sick with a cold; I basically sounded like I had gone through 8 puberties and became a man. I couldn't sleep in the PACKED van, until I popped some Nyquil caplets and passed out. Getting up 4 hours later for breakfast was 0 fun. Hah. I was sick when we got there, and I had a really high fever. So, I took a shower, took some tylenol PM, and passed out. I was sad to have missed out on the first real New Orleans meal! But, luckily the next morning, still sounding like a man, I was okay enough to go to the work site! It was SUCH an experience. We split up into groups and took on 3 houses.  Each house was in a different stage of development, so it was really neat that we all got to learn different jobs. My house was located in St. Bernard Parish, where we found out the water from Hurricane Katrina had covered 100% of the houses.  That's CRAZY to even being to imagine. Five people worked at my house, including one of my good friends Kait, and it was super fun. Our house leader was totally laid back and basically told us we could do what we wanted...he also said we could take however many breaks we wanted. Probably a bad idea on his part. :) Anywho, the entire week was spent mudding and sanding. I was better at it than I thought I would be, and I took over the bathroom. It was fun to have my own little work space! We had 2 nights off, where we spent downtown! Bourban St. really was exactly how I imagined it: TRASHY. It was SO fun though. We went through all the shops and got to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe on our first night off. The second night off, we had more time and we walked around Bourban St, and through the French Quarter. Unfortunately, all the classy shops were closed, so our only shopping options were the countless tourist stops. That's okay though, I still spent plenty of money and came back with the coolest tshirt. Also, on our second night off, most of our group went to the very first restaurant they saw, but a small number of us decided to keep looking for something unique. I take full credit for the awesome restaurant we ended up finding, with a balcony that was overlooking Bourban Street. It was so awesome. Also, on the last day, our work site managers Will & Kelsey took us to a real Po' Boy restaurant. IT WAS AMAZING. MMm I could go for a po' boy right now.

ANYWHO. I had an amazing time in New Orleans. Our home owner, Kim Jones, was incredible. She was a Christian and it was so awesome to hear her story. I couldn't help but cry when she told us about how her family barely escaped the storm, and how her brother overcame his drug addiction because of the storm. Also, it was such a blessing to be able to hear how she saw God working through all of this, and she remained so optimistic about it all! Being out of your house for 2.5+ years and still having such a great attitude is something I doubt I could do. I loved her, and can't wait to see the finished product! Her family is so excited to be able to move back soon!

Ok. Well, that was my spring break. As soon as I got home, I had my sister's best friend's wedding to go to. It was a lot of fun, and I got to spend time with people that I don't get to see often. It was also fun getting to spend that time with my family.

Well, in other news. I've been having stomach issues (like always) and so Dr. Buchanan referred me to a Gastroenterologist (I can't believe I spelled that right the first time!). Dr. Levin, my gastro, wanted to find out if my stomach pains are related to my surgeries (I guarantee they are), or if it's a separate issue (I hope not!). In the last month, I've had 6 blood tests, an ultrasound, a CAT scan, a duct scan, and a gastric emptying scan.  I have a scope next tuesday, and then back to the doc to get all the results! So basically, that explains why I've missed 4 Religion classes in a row...It's the only class I can afford to miss. I am just hoping after all this, they figure out what the heck is wrong with my insides.

Last weekend I went to Pittsburgh with my family. Kev's show, "Assassins", was SO GOOD. He was the best, of course. But it was honestly the best show I've seen him in. After his show, Kev, Jaym, John, and I went to a party at Kev's best friend's apartment. It was so fun with my sibs! Who knew it would be so fun to party with your family? Hah. Well, if anyone knows my family, they probably would have known how fun it would be. This weekend, I am going to Kent to see my best friend, Wasko! It should be tons of fun! We've been looking forward to it.

Alright. I am outta here!!! I have some nursing homework to do. I have 3 exams next week that are pretty much going to blow chunks all over me. 

Valentine Shmalentine.

Valentine's day has never been a big deal for me. I've always just been kind of...indifferent, if you will. Everyone blames Hallmark on the fact that it is such a huge/overrated "holiday", however, I blame the elementary school teachers. THEY were the ones who instilled in us that we should be all loving and wear pink and red from head to toe. THEY were the ones who threw huge parties every year, equipped with ice cream sundaes, Valentine's Bingo, and little boxes decorated especially for us, just to hold our valentines. I know Hallmark is somewhat to blame. But really, don't you think it's the teachers' faults?

Anywho. My first real Valentine was Erick "Taso" Koumoutzis. We went to school together and had been "talking" or whatever you do in 8th grade. On the special day, I went up to him in the cafeteria, handed him my Sponge Bob valentine, and then he asked me. Those few words that mean so much. "Will you go out with me?". I've never understood that. Where do you go in middle school? No where. The movies to makeout in the back row. Or you just meet up at friends' houses. Whatever. Needless to say, our relationship didn't work out. After a week of bliss, our relationship started to go downhill and he broke up with me in a really meaningful, heartfelt letter. "I'm Dumping You. - Taso" Well, now we always joke around about being Valentines every year. This year I got a message saying "Happy 6th Year Anniversary". Haha. I love the kid.

Well, other than that, I've only have one other "real" valentine. Last year, my significant other (or as Wasko and I call it "sig oth"), was 8,228 miles away. Even though he was located in the southernmost tip of Africa, he still managed to make my day on the 14th. I woke up at 6am to have an online "date", as we called it. Pretty much every morning I woke up before the sun just to talk to him, due to the horrible 7 hour time difference. Anywho, I got a knock on my door around 6:15, and Kait was there. Why is Kait at my door so early in the morning? Because he had made me a CD before he left, and had hired Kait as delivery girl. The cd was really cute. First of all, I gave him a CD with almost the exact same playlist. Great minds think alike, eh? Well, before he left, we had been laying on his bed (ON, not IN), jamming to some tunes. We were sharing headphones, and just began choosing songs for each other. For example, I chose "Swallowed in the Sea" by Coldplay, and he chose "About You" by the Chemistry...etc etc. Well, without my knowledge, he had written down the playlist and made it into a CD. He also added his own little ditty at the beginning that he had written himself. On the CD, he drew a picture of the US, and then one of Africa. He also drew a tiny little heart in Ohio, and a tiny little heart at the tip of South Africa, and drew little dots connecting the two. He also colored it in, complete with fish swimming in the ocean between the two. Awesome. Pretty much the cutest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Well. Here I am, a year later. After some huge curve-balls were thrown at me these past few months, here I am, unexpectedly single, and I am still not hating the day. Yes, I got a tidge sad when I saw a girl carrying her bouquet of roses across campus. Put those away! And I'd definitely rather be with him, but, I am going to make the best of it. I am going out to eat tonight with some of my best girl friends, Kait, Megs, Anna, Allison, and Kirstin. We are hittin' up Texas Roadhouse! I am excited because this is exactly what we did last year (obviously I was alone then for different reasons). It is hard knowing that I was looking forward to spending this Valentine's with him, but I know I can't dwell on that. I will NOT allow myself to mope, especially today. I have my friends, my family, and AMAZING food, and that's really all you need, right?

Well. Happy 14 of February to all of you.

Will Ferrell & Friends...

Joey T. took me to see Will Ferrell's "Funny or Die" Tour tonight. Since he is awesome and goes to OSU, he got free tickets. A bunch of his friends, Robby, Joey, and I went, and it provided a much needed good ol' time.

First of all, I had a delicious lunch of chicken sandwich & french fries. I also had a tidge of tuna salad, so I was feeling pretty hefty. However, fter a long day of class, work, and babysitting, I was ready to eat dinner by 6. I met Joey and we got JIMMY JOHNS. Since I felt like I had eaten so much at lunch, I decided to go the lighter route and get a lettuce wrap. Let me just tell you, Turkey Tom on a lettuce wrap -mayo +mustard& cheese? DELICIOUS. I was always skeptical about the lettuce wraps there. I mean, I love healthy food, but the bread at JJ's is so good, so I've never thought to get anything else. Boy am I glad I did. It was so good. I can't stress that enough.

Anywho, after that, we met up with his roomies/brother and we headed to the Schott. Our tickets were pretty much nosebleeds, but we were on the side so even though we were high up, we were pretty much looking directly down on those comedians. It started out with Will coming out and being his silly little self, pretending to do martial arts. The tour was Zach Galifianakis, Demetri Martin, & Nick Swardson. I had only heard of Demetri Martin (Other than Will, of course), and I had high expectations for him. BUT he sure did not meet those expectations. He was alright, but I thought Nick Swardson was hilarious. I can't remember the last time I laughed that hard! Those 3 comedians did sketches, and Will was introducing them and doing little skit-like things in between. I didn't even think he was that funny, but whatever. He's still funny, just not what I expected I guess. But, like I said, it was much needed fun and I thought it was soo funny! I love comedy.

It was nice to be able to go out tonight and have fun. This week has been...hell...pretty much. I had a Stats. exam on monday, an Anatomy exam today, and I have a Nursing 221 exam on friday. Talk about a busy week. I am so exhausted, though. And I am so tempted to skip religion tomorrow. I probably won't, but I am definitely tempted. I just can't wait to sleep on friday night! I mean. REALLY sleep! I always find myself looking forward to fridays because I know that I can always sleep in on saturdays. I don't even know how I survived last year, because I used to sleep like 4 hours a night and be sweet. Now I am cranky if I don't get 7 or 8 hours. What is wrong with me? Am I actually becoming...NORMAL? Haha. My sleeping habits have never been quite normal. But who knows.

Anyway, I am going to go work on those sleep habits, and maybe get 8 hours tonight! Woo!

Can't remember the last time I blogged.

So, in high school I was all for Xanga. Obviously that was just a trend. Just like Myspace. Just like Facebook. I used to have a blog on Diaryland too, but I can't remember the password for the life of me. I suppose it's time to start something new.

Well, life has been pretty crazy lately. I don't really want to use this to complain, but what can you do? In the past 6 months, I've lost 2 grandparents, my boyfriend/best friend of over a year, and my dog of 15 years. It's been pretty hectic, and my heart hurts pretty bad. I am still feeling pretty empty, and I really miss having W around.  I know time will heal me, but sometimes time just takes too damn long. However, I do know that so many people would blame God in this situation, and I am doing my best to keep in mind that there is a reason for everything, and that God hasn't forgotten me.

In other news, school is basically shooting me in the face. I just spent almost an hour on a practice Stats. test (my real one is in an hour), and I swear I kept coming up with the same wrong answer over and over. I think she made a mistake because I sure followed the steps right. She has been wrong before, so it wouldn't surprise me. Nursing is really hard. But it's been fun to actually learn some nursing techniques (Blood pressure, breathing rate, pulse, etc). I have tried BP on just about everyone. It's fun! 

I babysat on Wednesday, Thursday, & Sunday. Jayme got me the job at the beginning of the school year, and every Wednesday I pick the kids up from school, take them to piano, take them home, and make $25 doing it. I can't complain. But this weekend, the parental units decided to go to the Caribbean for a cruise (I mean, isn't it normal to just do something like that on the spur of a moment?), and I watched them those days, and their grandma watched them over the weekend. It wasn't bad because they go to bed right when they are supposed to, and they are pretty independent. Tamar, the youngest, was really sad that I couldn't get tickets for the Hannah Montana movie. I took her to see Enchanted, instead. She told me she didn't like it, but later I heard her telling her mom that she adored it. Typical 7 year old. We saw a group of girls at the mall clad in Hannah Montana/Jonas Brothers gear, and Tamar looks at me and says "I bet THEY got to go see Hannah Montana because they have nice babysitters who will buy them tickets and shirts." What a little brat. Haha. I told her to stop being a brat and to appreciate that I did something nice for her. Afterall, I spent the money I was given to babysit her ON her. That is so selfish of me, duh. And she has this odd obsession with witches. I don't really get it, but she has the creepiest life-size witch in her room. When you walk by, the eyes light up and it cackles. Can you say creepy? I'm pretty sure I would NOT encourage a 7 year old to like witches. But I love the family. They are really great, and the boys are a lot of fun too. I love odd jobs. I don't think I have enough time/patience for a real job. Other than this Cap Center job I have, I would rather have odd jobs. Babysitting, Dog sitting, etc. I like to do things on MY own time. And that's that.

My friends have been pretty great, too. On Valentine's Day, Kait, Megs, Anna, and me are going to wine and dine at Texas Roadhouse. We did that last year too, so maybe it will become a tradition. I know it's good to stay busy, so I've been trying my best not to just mope. Weekends are for moping, though. I allow myself at least one day a week to just laze around and watch tv in my pajamas. Otherwise, I would not be sane (although, I still wonder if I am.). I am going to New Orleans over Spring Break. I'm SUPER excited about it, because I know I would be miserable if I just stayed in Columbus. We are going to gut and help build houses, and I am sooo excited. It will feel so good to get away, for once. It's weird, I didn't miss Canton at all when I came to Cap. I am finding myself missing it more, mostly just my friends, now than I did before. Maybe it's because in Columbus, I am feeling pretty alone. My one reason for loving here, is gone. I haven't visited Canton in about 7 months (CRAZY), so it might be time for a visit soon. We'll see.

Alright well, hopefully this is just the first of many. I was inspired by Mee-shell and Jayme (You can't really spell her name how it sounds because...it's already spelled how it sounds!). I love them a lot. My sister has helped me get through a lot lately. Actually, my entire family has been pretty freakin' fantastic. They know I am going through a hard time, and unlike most, they are patient with me and understand that even after 2 months, I still have lots of tears to cry.

Over and out!